???

Brett is withdrawing from me. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Good on one hand because he finally has realised that this just isn't going to go away over night.

Bad on the other because it's making me feel like an absolute bitch. I know how he behaves isn't acceptable but I also know that he really does love me and it is killing him that I am unhappy.

His Facebook statuses have been a dead give away. Yesterday it was 'Brett is feeling empty' Today it's 'Brett wonders'. So I know it's getting to him.

The thing is after reading a story from a friend of mine and what she went through it's had me wondering if I really do want things to work. I don't want to lead him on in any way shape or form until I know for sure exactly what I want. There has been no touching, no kissing, barely any conversation and when we have talked it has been just general chit chat. There also has been no yelling, no screaming and the kids have no idea what is going on.

I get tense when he comes home from work. Not because I am scared of him or anything like that. It's the silence that kills me. I hate having to try pretend everything is ok in front of the kids. And when they go to bed he sits on his computer and I sit on mine.

We haven't gone to bed at the same time for weeks. 9 times out of 10 he is in bed before me. I sit up til all hours and then am up at the crack of dawn.

I am absolutely petrified of what lies ahead for us. I have never been more scared in my whole life.

It's out there now

Well last night I told Brett how I have been feeling. It didn't actually happen how I wanted it to but it's out there at least.

He was completely shocked. He had no idea anything was wrong. I told him pretty much everything that has been bugging me and we discussed some things that should have been dealt with a long time ago.

It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I was a complete mess but today when I woke up I felt like things could be ok if we both work together. I told him that I wasn't going to be happy again over night but I really want to try and make us work.

Whether that happens or not is another thing so we will just have to wait and see.

So confused

I don't know what to do.

I don't know how to fix it.

I don't know if it can be fixed.

I don't know if I want to fix it.

I don't know if I love him anymore.

I don't know if I can cope.

I don't know how the kids will cope.

I don't know if he can cope.

I don't know how he will react.

I just don't know.

I have not stopped thinking about this since I woke up this morning. I feel sick to my stomach and I know that once it's all out in the open there is no going back. I have barely eaten the last 2 days as it's stressing me out so much.

I'm not sick. I'm not having an affair. I am just not happy with my marriage and I am about to open the biggest can of worms there is.

Not sure what to do!

Has been awhile since I have popped my head in here. Just never get around to it I guess.

Thought I would write this in here as I have no one I can talk to IRL about how I am feeling. I mean there are people but I dunno just find it easier this way.

I have had a crappy mothers day, Brett is being a prick, the kids are doing my head in and I have been doing something that has really made me question who I am and what I want out of my marriage. If I want this marriage at all. I'm not going to go into full details as I know friends read this and don't want to put them in an awkward position.

I just feel so lost at the moment and feel like I am invisible most of the time. Only good for one thing. I am craving some affection and not just when it suits someone else. I am craving to be treated like a human being and not have someone who thinks its alright to , when they read their missed calls says 'oh some retard rang me twice'. Me being the retard of course.

I have put up with this for as long as I can remember and tend to sugar coat how I am really feeling to everyone. I tell them how happy I am, how fine things are. But they aren't . I feel like shit most of the time and I don't know what to.

The Icing On the Cake

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I have to laugh or I will cry.

To top my super night off my mobile rings. The number sort of rings a bell so I answer it.

I was greeted by Will on the other end. He was ringing me to apologise for HER. Saying she has had a rough few days and she didn't mean what she said. She was bawling in the background and had been since she showed Will what she wrote. Yeah well, that makes 2 of us luv.

I was wavering, feeling sorry for her and I almost told him to tell her that it will be alright and I understand why she said it.

But I had had enough. You can't say that to someone and pretend it never happened and, if she were really sorry she would have grown some balls and rang me herself.
After sitting there crying since I read that message I decided that I needed to end the friendship then and there.

Maybe if she had rung me herself to apologise I might have changed my mind but she hid behind him yet again so that was the final straw.

I told Will that she had made her feelings quite clear on where I stand and there was nothing more to say. I thanked him for the call and hung up on him.

Man, I have never felt so in control of a situation before. I didn't get upset on the phone. I didn't raise my voice. I felt really good when I hung up. Knowing that I don't ever have to deal with her again AND not feeling bad about it like I was a couple of days ago when all this started.

GO ME!!!

So upset

Fuck you and mind your place you are the one how needs the help. You are a
hopeless mother, I feel sorry for poor little Ella what hope does she have
growing up with poor bogans like you. Don't contact me again you fat slag your
nothing but a user!


This is the message I got tonight off a so called friend.

Real nice. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

I probably shouldn't have sent the last message I did but fuck if I was going to sit there and take what she said about me.

Shit, I didn't even think it was that bad. All I said to her was that if she couldn't see what she was doing was unacceptable then nothing I could say was going to change that. And thats the response I get back.

Fan - fucken - tastic. FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!! I shouldn't let her get to me but it does.

Lazy Sunday

Today has been so nice. Very relaxing. Brett is home, the kids are all getting along and my house is sparkling.

It's almost time for lunch and I am stuck for ideas. I might make some french toast as we haven't had that for a long time. It's definitely a hit in this house.

Lincoln, Karen and their brood are coming around this afternoon and staying for a bbq tea. I just hope the rain stays away.

I have been very slack doing my blog. Things are going well here though. Josh and Ella have had their moments over the last couple of weeks but we seem to have got them under control. Both are doing really well in school which I am so pleased about.

Patty has been great. Night times I'm a bit over though. Every night for the past week he has been waking up at some ungodly hour. Then once he is awake the whole house has to be awake, he just lays in his cot and yells out, waiting for someone to go into him. So to keep the peace we have been bringing him straight into bed with us. Bad idea I know but would rather that than have 2 cranky kids in the morning as Josh doesn't like being woken up in the middle of the night.

We are thinking about moving house too. Sick of wasting my money on this shit heap of a house. I would love to buy but we just aren't in a position to do so at the moment. We are totally in love with a house at South Arm. It's about 20mins away from where we are now on some land. It's not completely out in the sticks as it is still only 35mins from there to the city but it's far enough away to enjoy the peace and quiet.

Josh and Ella wouldn't even need to change schools as Brett would have to drive right past where we are now to get to work. So he could just drop them off on his way to work, that way I would only need to make one trip up a day. I'm not going to get my hopes up about it though but we will just have to wait and see.

The parent group is about to start up again for the year. Nominations have to be done every year and I am thinking about relinquishing my role as the Vice-President. I am more than happy to stay on the commitee and I wouldn't mind putting my hand up for the secretaries postition.

Anyway, will leave it there for now. Time to feed the tribe.