???

Brett is withdrawing from me. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Good on one hand because he finally has realised that this just isn't going to go away over night.

Bad on the other because it's making me feel like an absolute bitch. I know how he behaves isn't acceptable but I also know that he really does love me and it is killing him that I am unhappy.

His Facebook statuses have been a dead give away. Yesterday it was 'Brett is feeling empty' Today it's 'Brett wonders'. So I know it's getting to him.

The thing is after reading a story from a friend of mine and what she went through it's had me wondering if I really do want things to work. I don't want to lead him on in any way shape or form until I know for sure exactly what I want. There has been no touching, no kissing, barely any conversation and when we have talked it has been just general chit chat. There also has been no yelling, no screaming and the kids have no idea what is going on.

I get tense when he comes home from work. Not because I am scared of him or anything like that. It's the silence that kills me. I hate having to try pretend everything is ok in front of the kids. And when they go to bed he sits on his computer and I sit on mine.

We haven't gone to bed at the same time for weeks. 9 times out of 10 he is in bed before me. I sit up til all hours and then am up at the crack of dawn.

I am absolutely petrified of what lies ahead for us. I have never been more scared in my whole life.

It's out there now

Well last night I told Brett how I have been feeling. It didn't actually happen how I wanted it to but it's out there at least.

He was completely shocked. He had no idea anything was wrong. I told him pretty much everything that has been bugging me and we discussed some things that should have been dealt with a long time ago.

It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I was a complete mess but today when I woke up I felt like things could be ok if we both work together. I told him that I wasn't going to be happy again over night but I really want to try and make us work.

Whether that happens or not is another thing so we will just have to wait and see.

So confused

I don't know what to do.

I don't know how to fix it.

I don't know if it can be fixed.

I don't know if I want to fix it.

I don't know if I love him anymore.

I don't know if I can cope.

I don't know how the kids will cope.

I don't know if he can cope.

I don't know how he will react.

I just don't know.

I have not stopped thinking about this since I woke up this morning. I feel sick to my stomach and I know that once it's all out in the open there is no going back. I have barely eaten the last 2 days as it's stressing me out so much.

I'm not sick. I'm not having an affair. I am just not happy with my marriage and I am about to open the biggest can of worms there is.

Not sure what to do!

Has been awhile since I have popped my head in here. Just never get around to it I guess.

Thought I would write this in here as I have no one I can talk to IRL about how I am feeling. I mean there are people but I dunno just find it easier this way.

I have had a crappy mothers day, Brett is being a prick, the kids are doing my head in and I have been doing something that has really made me question who I am and what I want out of my marriage. If I want this marriage at all. I'm not going to go into full details as I know friends read this and don't want to put them in an awkward position.

I just feel so lost at the moment and feel like I am invisible most of the time. Only good for one thing. I am craving some affection and not just when it suits someone else. I am craving to be treated like a human being and not have someone who thinks its alright to , when they read their missed calls says 'oh some retard rang me twice'. Me being the retard of course.

I have put up with this for as long as I can remember and tend to sugar coat how I am really feeling to everyone. I tell them how happy I am, how fine things are. But they aren't . I feel like shit most of the time and I don't know what to.