???

Brett is withdrawing from me. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Good on one hand because he finally has realised that this just isn't going to go away over night.

Bad on the other because it's making me feel like an absolute bitch. I know how he behaves isn't acceptable but I also know that he really does love me and it is killing him that I am unhappy.

His Facebook statuses have been a dead give away. Yesterday it was 'Brett is feeling empty' Today it's 'Brett wonders'. So I know it's getting to him.

The thing is after reading a story from a friend of mine and what she went through it's had me wondering if I really do want things to work. I don't want to lead him on in any way shape or form until I know for sure exactly what I want. There has been no touching, no kissing, barely any conversation and when we have talked it has been just general chit chat. There also has been no yelling, no screaming and the kids have no idea what is going on.

I get tense when he comes home from work. Not because I am scared of him or anything like that. It's the silence that kills me. I hate having to try pretend everything is ok in front of the kids. And when they go to bed he sits on his computer and I sit on mine.

We haven't gone to bed at the same time for weeks. 9 times out of 10 he is in bed before me. I sit up til all hours and then am up at the crack of dawn.

I am absolutely petrified of what lies ahead for us. I have never been more scared in my whole life.

It's out there now

Well last night I told Brett how I have been feeling. It didn't actually happen how I wanted it to but it's out there at least.

He was completely shocked. He had no idea anything was wrong. I told him pretty much everything that has been bugging me and we discussed some things that should have been dealt with a long time ago.

It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I was a complete mess but today when I woke up I felt like things could be ok if we both work together. I told him that I wasn't going to be happy again over night but I really want to try and make us work.

Whether that happens or not is another thing so we will just have to wait and see.

So confused

I don't know what to do.

I don't know how to fix it.

I don't know if it can be fixed.

I don't know if I want to fix it.

I don't know if I love him anymore.

I don't know if I can cope.

I don't know how the kids will cope.

I don't know if he can cope.

I don't know how he will react.

I just don't know.

I have not stopped thinking about this since I woke up this morning. I feel sick to my stomach and I know that once it's all out in the open there is no going back. I have barely eaten the last 2 days as it's stressing me out so much.

I'm not sick. I'm not having an affair. I am just not happy with my marriage and I am about to open the biggest can of worms there is.

Not sure what to do!

Has been awhile since I have popped my head in here. Just never get around to it I guess.

Thought I would write this in here as I have no one I can talk to IRL about how I am feeling. I mean there are people but I dunno just find it easier this way.

I have had a crappy mothers day, Brett is being a prick, the kids are doing my head in and I have been doing something that has really made me question who I am and what I want out of my marriage. If I want this marriage at all. I'm not going to go into full details as I know friends read this and don't want to put them in an awkward position.

I just feel so lost at the moment and feel like I am invisible most of the time. Only good for one thing. I am craving some affection and not just when it suits someone else. I am craving to be treated like a human being and not have someone who thinks its alright to , when they read their missed calls says 'oh some retard rang me twice'. Me being the retard of course.

I have put up with this for as long as I can remember and tend to sugar coat how I am really feeling to everyone. I tell them how happy I am, how fine things are. But they aren't . I feel like shit most of the time and I don't know what to.

The Icing On the Cake

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I have to laugh or I will cry.

To top my super night off my mobile rings. The number sort of rings a bell so I answer it.

I was greeted by Will on the other end. He was ringing me to apologise for HER. Saying she has had a rough few days and she didn't mean what she said. She was bawling in the background and had been since she showed Will what she wrote. Yeah well, that makes 2 of us luv.

I was wavering, feeling sorry for her and I almost told him to tell her that it will be alright and I understand why she said it.

But I had had enough. You can't say that to someone and pretend it never happened and, if she were really sorry she would have grown some balls and rang me herself.
After sitting there crying since I read that message I decided that I needed to end the friendship then and there.

Maybe if she had rung me herself to apologise I might have changed my mind but she hid behind him yet again so that was the final straw.

I told Will that she had made her feelings quite clear on where I stand and there was nothing more to say. I thanked him for the call and hung up on him.

Man, I have never felt so in control of a situation before. I didn't get upset on the phone. I didn't raise my voice. I felt really good when I hung up. Knowing that I don't ever have to deal with her again AND not feeling bad about it like I was a couple of days ago when all this started.

GO ME!!!

So upset

Fuck you and mind your place you are the one how needs the help. You are a
hopeless mother, I feel sorry for poor little Ella what hope does she have
growing up with poor bogans like you. Don't contact me again you fat slag your
nothing but a user!


This is the message I got tonight off a so called friend.

Real nice. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

I probably shouldn't have sent the last message I did but fuck if I was going to sit there and take what she said about me.

Shit, I didn't even think it was that bad. All I said to her was that if she couldn't see what she was doing was unacceptable then nothing I could say was going to change that. And thats the response I get back.

Fan - fucken - tastic. FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!! I shouldn't let her get to me but it does.

Lazy Sunday

Today has been so nice. Very relaxing. Brett is home, the kids are all getting along and my house is sparkling.

It's almost time for lunch and I am stuck for ideas. I might make some french toast as we haven't had that for a long time. It's definitely a hit in this house.

Lincoln, Karen and their brood are coming around this afternoon and staying for a bbq tea. I just hope the rain stays away.

I have been very slack doing my blog. Things are going well here though. Josh and Ella have had their moments over the last couple of weeks but we seem to have got them under control. Both are doing really well in school which I am so pleased about.

Patty has been great. Night times I'm a bit over though. Every night for the past week he has been waking up at some ungodly hour. Then once he is awake the whole house has to be awake, he just lays in his cot and yells out, waiting for someone to go into him. So to keep the peace we have been bringing him straight into bed with us. Bad idea I know but would rather that than have 2 cranky kids in the morning as Josh doesn't like being woken up in the middle of the night.

We are thinking about moving house too. Sick of wasting my money on this shit heap of a house. I would love to buy but we just aren't in a position to do so at the moment. We are totally in love with a house at South Arm. It's about 20mins away from where we are now on some land. It's not completely out in the sticks as it is still only 35mins from there to the city but it's far enough away to enjoy the peace and quiet.

Josh and Ella wouldn't even need to change schools as Brett would have to drive right past where we are now to get to work. So he could just drop them off on his way to work, that way I would only need to make one trip up a day. I'm not going to get my hopes up about it though but we will just have to wait and see.

The parent group is about to start up again for the year. Nominations have to be done every year and I am thinking about relinquishing my role as the Vice-President. I am more than happy to stay on the commitee and I wouldn't mind putting my hand up for the secretaries postition.

Anyway, will leave it there for now. Time to feed the tribe.

Back to school

Josh went back to school today. All was fine this morning until we got to the school and were walking to the classroom. He burst into tears and told me he didn't want to go.
I think it was because he is in a new classroom with a new teacher and its a 3 grade composite class. He is in grade 4 and there are also 5's and 6's in with him as well. Some of the kids in his class I have never laid eyes on before in all the time we have been there even tho we have a small school.
His teacher is lovely. Mr McLeod. I think Josh will really benefit from having some older and other much older kids around him. Plus having a male teacher is good for him as well.
Last year he had a female teacher and while she was lovely Josh needs someone who won't take any of his silly behaviour in the class room. He needs that authority figure and I know his teacher this year will give him what he needs.
I am looking forward to seeing Josh improve this year and start settling down a bit.

Ella goes back tomorrow but I went and met her teacher this morning and told her not to expect Ella til tomorrow. She seems really lovely as well and I really think that Ella will enjoy being in her class.

My back to school plans have been put on hold once again. I was disappointed at first but there is always next year. I might do a TAFE course tho, just to keep me from getting too bored.

Well I will leave it there as I can hear Patty.

Tellytubbies

Of all things Patty can watch he has decided that he will sit there glued to the screen and watch the whole show.

He has not moved an inch from where he is sitting.

Tellytubbies.......why why why?????

Patty

We had our appointment today at the Royal. Turns out his glasses aren't doing their job properly so we have to start patching his eye.

Basically we have to patch his good eye so that his bad eye has to do all the work. I got told today that a big part of the reason he has his glasses is so that his bad eye doesnt have to concentrate on focusing. Thats what his glasses are for. Its just the nerves that connect from his eye to his brain arent working properly this in turn making him have a lazy eye that doesnt want to turn. Not because there is anything wrong with the eye, its the nerves.

So when we patch his good eye it will make his bad eye work harder and hopefully will fix the nerves. The doc said that we are lucky that we have caught it now as once you hit 7 or 8 whatever your eyesight is then is as good as it will get so he said we have time on our hands at least to get his eye back to normal. If things don't improve, there was mention of surgery to repair the damaged nerves but hopefully he won't have to have that. If he does it wont be til he is over 8 to give us as much time as possible to fix it.

Bit of an update

There is only 13 more sleeps til school goes back and I can't wait. I think we are all getting on each others nerves now so the break will be welcoming.

Ella is off to Adelaide in 10 sleeps. I hope she goes ok over there on her own. I know Mum's family are looking forward to her getting there and she will be the centre of everyones attention which she will love. Maybe the break away from us is what she needs as the little girl (even tho she is only 8 now) I used to have is slowly getting further and further away and I am scared of what might happen. I'm going to do everything in my power to stop this from happening as I don't want this to continue.

I have heard that 8 in girls is a difficult age so heres hoping that it's just a stage she is going through. We are so much like each other it's scarey and we butt heads constantly so I need to learn how to control my temper with her as the more I yell at her the more she yells back at me.

We had a long talk about her behaviour and she seemed to understand that what she was doing is wrong so hopefully it was a wake up call for her.

The Silence Is Deafening

Ella isn't here today. She is out with Mick, Jeri and Hannah.

Patty is in bed having a sleep which I am sure will be for another hour at least because he didn't have one this morning.

Josh is just fiddling around, about to put on a dvd.

Brett is at work.

So yeah it's pretty damn quiet here.

I gave the college a call today about my enrolment and I can't do anything until the 3rd Feb when the teaching staff arrive. At the moment only the office staff are there. Which sucks as I was really hoping that I could do something today. Nevermind, only a couple of weeks til then so I don't have too long to wait.

We are going to switch Patty over to his big bed soon. I put his bed rail, doona and pillows on layby today so when I get them off into the bed he will go. I hope the transition will be an easy one.
I don't think I have to worry about Josh and Patty chatting away til all hours as Patty will be in bed before Josh everynight and in the mornings we all get up at the same time so we won't have to worry about Patty getting into something that he shouldn't.
Patty has been sleeping through now for almost 12mths so that isn't going to be a problem either and Josh is a real good sleeper too. So by going by all that it should be easy.

The only thing I will have to get used to is putting Patty into bed about 50 times a night til he gets used to it..haha!!

Back to School

Not just Josh and Ella but for me too.

I have decided to go back and do Year 11 and 12. Not just for my own personal gain but because of the kids as well. They are getting older and starting to ask more and more questions that I can't answer for them because I simply do not know the answer.

I'm not going back into the classroom as I really do not want to sit there with a bunch of hormone crazed teenagers. So I will do what I can via distant ed and go to the class room if needed (hopefully not)

Then once I have finished at college my aim is to move onto Uni and get my teaching degree. I have always wanted to be a teacher for as long as I can remember so achieving this will tick one thing off my wish list.

I am extremely nervous but very very excited about whats happening this year. It has been quite a few years since I have been at school. 10 years actually so I will be interested to see what I have remembered and what I have forgtotten. Brett is supporting me 110% so I am sure I will be ok. Just shitting myself in the meantime.

New Blog

I have decided to start a new blog. I wasn't overly impressed with my other one so here I go again. Can't promise it will, actually I know it won't be cleverly (is that even a word) written or even make sense to some but it's about me, my life and the goings on in it.

Not real good with keeping up to date either. I start with the best of intentions but then fail miserably. So just warning you now if you expect to see me updating every day then you will be thoroughly disappointed.

I have never been much of a diary/journal keeper. I had the odd one when I was little but I haven't kept them to look back on. I guess my aim is to have something my friends and family can come and read to see what we are up to and to catch a glimpse of the weird and wonderful world that is us.

I hope you enjoy. If not then just piss off...ha!!