So confused

I don't know what to do.

I don't know how to fix it.

I don't know if it can be fixed.

I don't know if I want to fix it.

I don't know if I love him anymore.

I don't know if I can cope.

I don't know how the kids will cope.

I don't know if he can cope.

I don't know how he will react.

I just don't know.

I have not stopped thinking about this since I woke up this morning. I feel sick to my stomach and I know that once it's all out in the open there is no going back. I have barely eaten the last 2 days as it's stressing me out so much.

I'm not sick. I'm not having an affair. I am just not happy with my marriage and I am about to open the biggest can of worms there is.

Not sure what to do!

Has been awhile since I have popped my head in here. Just never get around to it I guess.

Thought I would write this in here as I have no one I can talk to IRL about how I am feeling. I mean there are people but I dunno just find it easier this way.

I have had a crappy mothers day, Brett is being a prick, the kids are doing my head in and I have been doing something that has really made me question who I am and what I want out of my marriage. If I want this marriage at all. I'm not going to go into full details as I know friends read this and don't want to put them in an awkward position.

I just feel so lost at the moment and feel like I am invisible most of the time. Only good for one thing. I am craving some affection and not just when it suits someone else. I am craving to be treated like a human being and not have someone who thinks its alright to , when they read their missed calls says 'oh some retard rang me twice'. Me being the retard of course.

I have put up with this for as long as I can remember and tend to sugar coat how I am really feeling to everyone. I tell them how happy I am, how fine things are. But they aren't . I feel like shit most of the time and I don't know what to.

The Icing On the Cake

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I have to laugh or I will cry.

To top my super night off my mobile rings. The number sort of rings a bell so I answer it.

I was greeted by Will on the other end. He was ringing me to apologise for HER. Saying she has had a rough few days and she didn't mean what she said. She was bawling in the background and had been since she showed Will what she wrote. Yeah well, that makes 2 of us luv.

I was wavering, feeling sorry for her and I almost told him to tell her that it will be alright and I understand why she said it.

But I had had enough. You can't say that to someone and pretend it never happened and, if she were really sorry she would have grown some balls and rang me herself.
After sitting there crying since I read that message I decided that I needed to end the friendship then and there.

Maybe if she had rung me herself to apologise I might have changed my mind but she hid behind him yet again so that was the final straw.

I told Will that she had made her feelings quite clear on where I stand and there was nothing more to say. I thanked him for the call and hung up on him.

Man, I have never felt so in control of a situation before. I didn't get upset on the phone. I didn't raise my voice. I felt really good when I hung up. Knowing that I don't ever have to deal with her again AND not feeling bad about it like I was a couple of days ago when all this started.

GO ME!!!

So upset

Fuck you and mind your place you are the one how needs the help. You are a
hopeless mother, I feel sorry for poor little Ella what hope does she have
growing up with poor bogans like you. Don't contact me again you fat slag your
nothing but a user!


This is the message I got tonight off a so called friend.

Real nice. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

I probably shouldn't have sent the last message I did but fuck if I was going to sit there and take what she said about me.

Shit, I didn't even think it was that bad. All I said to her was that if she couldn't see what she was doing was unacceptable then nothing I could say was going to change that. And thats the response I get back.

Fan - fucken - tastic. FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!! I shouldn't let her get to me but it does.

Lazy Sunday

Today has been so nice. Very relaxing. Brett is home, the kids are all getting along and my house is sparkling.

It's almost time for lunch and I am stuck for ideas. I might make some french toast as we haven't had that for a long time. It's definitely a hit in this house.

Lincoln, Karen and their brood are coming around this afternoon and staying for a bbq tea. I just hope the rain stays away.

I have been very slack doing my blog. Things are going well here though. Josh and Ella have had their moments over the last couple of weeks but we seem to have got them under control. Both are doing really well in school which I am so pleased about.

Patty has been great. Night times I'm a bit over though. Every night for the past week he has been waking up at some ungodly hour. Then once he is awake the whole house has to be awake, he just lays in his cot and yells out, waiting for someone to go into him. So to keep the peace we have been bringing him straight into bed with us. Bad idea I know but would rather that than have 2 cranky kids in the morning as Josh doesn't like being woken up in the middle of the night.

We are thinking about moving house too. Sick of wasting my money on this shit heap of a house. I would love to buy but we just aren't in a position to do so at the moment. We are totally in love with a house at South Arm. It's about 20mins away from where we are now on some land. It's not completely out in the sticks as it is still only 35mins from there to the city but it's far enough away to enjoy the peace and quiet.

Josh and Ella wouldn't even need to change schools as Brett would have to drive right past where we are now to get to work. So he could just drop them off on his way to work, that way I would only need to make one trip up a day. I'm not going to get my hopes up about it though but we will just have to wait and see.

The parent group is about to start up again for the year. Nominations have to be done every year and I am thinking about relinquishing my role as the Vice-President. I am more than happy to stay on the commitee and I wouldn't mind putting my hand up for the secretaries postition.

Anyway, will leave it there for now. Time to feed the tribe.

Back to school

Josh went back to school today. All was fine this morning until we got to the school and were walking to the classroom. He burst into tears and told me he didn't want to go.
I think it was because he is in a new classroom with a new teacher and its a 3 grade composite class. He is in grade 4 and there are also 5's and 6's in with him as well. Some of the kids in his class I have never laid eyes on before in all the time we have been there even tho we have a small school.
His teacher is lovely. Mr McLeod. I think Josh will really benefit from having some older and other much older kids around him. Plus having a male teacher is good for him as well.
Last year he had a female teacher and while she was lovely Josh needs someone who won't take any of his silly behaviour in the class room. He needs that authority figure and I know his teacher this year will give him what he needs.
I am looking forward to seeing Josh improve this year and start settling down a bit.

Ella goes back tomorrow but I went and met her teacher this morning and told her not to expect Ella til tomorrow. She seems really lovely as well and I really think that Ella will enjoy being in her class.

My back to school plans have been put on hold once again. I was disappointed at first but there is always next year. I might do a TAFE course tho, just to keep me from getting too bored.

Well I will leave it there as I can hear Patty.

Tellytubbies

Of all things Patty can watch he has decided that he will sit there glued to the screen and watch the whole show.

He has not moved an inch from where he is sitting.

Tellytubbies.......why why why?????